Saturday, February 28, 2009

Moose-Gate Update

Big Gay Celebrity Edition

Pay no attention to those headlines this morning declaring that everything is vastly worse than we thought it was months ago when we started making jokes about Great Depression 2.0 ("Economy Shrinks at Staggering Rate," shrieks Wa Po; "Sharper Downturn Clouds Obama Spending Plans," howls the Times). We know you don't come to Roxie's World for bummer-inducing analysis of how much vastly worse things are going to get before we find the bottom of the sh_t hole into which we seem to have stumbled. You don't turn to us for grim pronouncements that send you racing back to bed to pull the covers over your sweet, scared little head: There will be BLOOD -- and . . . hoboes and . . . bears -- oh my!!!

Fear not, my darlings. We know why you are here. You long for an update of the shaggy dog story of the week -- the announcement that the Obama family has decided to adopt a Portuguese Water Dog as First Pet and the shocking attack by First Lady Michelle Obama on "Moose" as a proposed name for the new dog. (People magazine broke the story here; we weighed in, with reaction from our own wounded Moose, here.)

First, we've got a report on our effort to help the Obamas come up with an acceptable name for their still mythical dog. So far, I am sorry to say, my legions of loyal fans are not exactly wowing the judges in this round of competition. Two out of the three suggestions submitted have been rejected for violating the rules of the contest (names must be clean, clever, devoid of political incorrectness and should avoid allusions to the Kennedys or major African-American heroes). My brother Geoffrey's proposal of Oprah is out for several obvious reasons, including his tasteless suggestion that it would be amusing to hear the president say, "Oprah, stop humping President Sarkozy's leg!" Historiann's proposal of Bobby appears to have been intended as a sly dig at Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, who got such excellent reviews for his response to President Obama's Not Exactly a State of the Union address this week. Unfortunately, the unintended Kennedy reference in Historiann's suggestion caught the attention of the Secret Service, which interpreted the allusion as a threat upon the life of the president (which, you may recall, is how Hillary Clinton's references to Robert Kennedy were interpreted by hyperventilating blogger boyz during the primary campaign). We are hoping Historiann is released from custody in time for her classes next week. (We are cautiously optimistic, noting that she did manage to post today from wherever she's being held -- and that she linked to us!)

The third suggestion came from our dear Candy Man, who offers the enormously flattering idea that the First Family should name its lucky pup after me! Gratifying as that prospect is, we are inclined to think the Obamas aren't likely to go for it, given that America's favorite dog blog devoted to politics, pop culture, and basketball never quite endorsed the president and still regularly pops off about his policies and his politics. C'mon, Mr. President -- We've said really nice things about your secretary of state!

The contest continues, people. Goose, you haven't even submitted an entry yet. qta, you are a clever fellow and remarkably good at following rules. Show us your stuff! Your country needs you! As for myself, I offer up the suggestion of Buddy, which would acknowledge that the whole Kennedy thing has been pumped up as a way to distract us from the obvious truth that Barack Obama got his political heart and soul, not to mention most of his executive staff, from the original man from Hope, Bill Clinton. (I will also point out that Buddy, like yours truly, was named after a dead relative. Those of you looking for help in this contest might consult the Obama or Robinson family trees for guidance.)

The big news on Moose-Gate, though, is that no less a figure than Anderson Cooper has weighed in on the travesty of Michelle Obama's attack on "Moose" as a possible name for the dog. Yesterday, filling in for Regis on Live with Regis and Kelly, the cutest queen in the history of closets comes out strongly in support of Moose. He recaps the People story on the family's selection of a breed and then pivots into the controversy over the name. Here's the money quote:
They talk about some of the names that they have rejected, and the name they rejected that I liked the most was "Moose." I like that. I think Moose for a dog would be kinda cool.
Who knew Anderson Cooper was so sweet? so discerning? so devastatingly intelligent? He is also, if you will pardon the expression, a highly effective straight man to Kelly's lovable ditz. The two do great shtick together, which you may all know if you are more regular watchers of Regis and Kelly than we are, but we are such irregular watchers that we actually thought it was still Regis and Kathie Lee when qta called this story to our attention. In any case, here's the clip of Anderson and Kelly in action. The dog talk begins just before the 5:00 mark:

Want more? The dog talk goes on -- and on -- in this next clip, as Kelly recounts a hugely entertaining story of her efforts to get her shih tzu to regurgitate a Hershey's Kiss it had ingested. (Don't worry -- The story wouldn't be funny and we wouldn't pass it along if the dog weren't just fine at the end of it.)

Anyway, my typist thanks you for the validation, Coop. We are glad you like her nickname and pleased as punch to discover that you are able to step outside your earnest news dude persona and bring some needed laughter to the world. You tempt us to tune in to Regis and Whomever the next time you're sitting at the desk.

All right, kids, that's it. Put your thinking caps back on and get out of here. The Canine Onomastics Group, co-chaired by Moose and Frank, will reconvene one week from tonight to choose the best of the names submitted for the Obama family dog. Don't let us down! Don't let your country down! Peace out.


  1. When I lived in downtown Detroit, now many years ago, a friend lived in a slightly more uptown neighborhood by the then headquarters of GM (they have since moved downtown) and he had two dogs named, Blackie and Whitey. They were, as you might surmise, a black dog, named Blackie, and a white dog, named Whitey. They were of dubious heritage, a little terrier, some beagle perhaps, if you closed your eyes and squinted a little poodle maybe and schnauzer, perhaps. They were lovely dogs, though. Except when they ran away from home. Which never was as you might guess in the middle of the day, but rather generally at dusk or night. This always caused my friend to have to run away the neighborhood shouting, Blackie! Whitey! Come home to Daddy. Yes, this from a white gay man living in a predominantly African-American heterosexual family neighborhood. Blackie! Whitey! Come home! Sometimes only one would escape and then he would just run frantically around the neighborhood with the on the lease shouting either, Blackie! Blackie! or Whitey! Whitey! Eventually they grew up and left home much less frequently. All of this to say, I think that the Obamas should name their dog either Blackie or Whitey. Two perfectly respectable names though they can be challenging depending on the circumstances.

  2. Well done, Julie. You stuck to the contest rules, and you get bonus points for making my typist laughed so hard that she nearly wet her pants.

    Blackie! Whitey! Come home to Daddy! -- It could also come in handy as a campaign slogan in the re-elect.


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