Showing posts with label farts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label farts. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Stink Bombs

(Photo by Charlie Neibergall - Associated Press)

From the Department of Rank Hypocrisy: Wa Po's "Reliable Source" column reports today that lesbo vice-presidential daughter Mary Cheney is with child. Read all about it here, but don't feel surprised if you feel a little burning in the back of your throat when you do. Cheney and her partner Heather Poe are due in late spring, which means the poster girls for right-wing sexual hypocrisy dutifully kept their mouths shut until after the mid-term elections. Can't you just hear the conversation down at Darth Vader's mansion? "Mom? Dad? We lost the House and Senate anyway, and this little critter is starting to make my tailored pants feel awfully snug. Okay if we go public with the glorious news?" "What? Oh, yeah, sure. And could you give the turkey baster back to George and Laura? They'll need it for Christmas dinner." Official word from the veep's office is, of course, that "The vice president and Mrs. Cheney are looking forward with eager anticipation to the arrival of their sixth grandchild."

Just to clarify: Roxie's World is totally down with the idea of gay families and lesbian motherhood. Where, after all, would I be without them? The hypocrisy here lies in the Cheney family actively campaigning for and being a part of the only presidential administration in American history to propose to amend the Constitution of the United States to enshrine bigotry toward a class of citizens. I don't care if they lamely acknowledged their "personal" opposition to the idea. They have sold their souls to a party and an administration that have consistently exploited homophobia for political gain. Roxie's World wishes great happiness for Cheney, Poe, and the child they are privileged enough to be able to bring into the world, but we consign them to the dog house for aiding and abetting sexual and familial inequality.

From the Department of Just Plain Rank: I pass along the full text of Wa Po's report on the plane brought down yesterday by a fart. No kidding, fans. You humans just slay me. Sometimes the truth is the funniest thing of all:

A jetliner from Washington made an emergency landing Monday in Nashville after passengers smelled matches being struck, a Nashville airport spokeswoman said.

Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for Nashville International Airport, said that a passenger on the Dallas-bound flight, which had originated at Reagan National Airport, had been striking matches to mask evidence of a troubled digestive system.

Lowrance said the pilot of American Airlines Flight 1053 asked at 6:25 a.m. Central time to make an emergency landing in response to passengers' concerns about the matches.

Lighting matches on a plane is prohibited, Lowrance said.

After landing, the 99 passengers and five crewmembers left the plane. Luggage was placed on the ground for dogs to sniff. In one part of the cabin, searchers found signs that matches had been lit.

Under "lengthy questioning" by the FBI, the passenger "did say she had some type of medical condition" that embarrassed her, Lowrance said. "She did admit to striking matches to conceal the odor." The woman was released but was not permitted to reboard the flight, Lowrance said.

The woman, who lives in Texas, was trying to get on another flight and apparently did, Lowrance said.

The woman was not identified.
Next time, m'am, leave the matches at home and put the Gas-X in your carry-on!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Enough About YOU

My meteoric rise to fame continues, and my hard work as Official Dog Blogger to The Stephanie Miller Show has just begun. Below is the full text of an e-mail I wrote to Steph late last week. It was the very first item featured on Friday's show! The subject line was, "Roxie to Steph: I am NOT a Rat Terrier." She read most of the message, though for some strange reason she left out the fart joke about Karl Rove and Karen Hughes, which Moose and I thought was the funniest line in the whole message. It also would have been an excellent opportunity to use the heavy footsteps sound clip that producer Chris Lavoie uses whenever husky-gal Karen Hughes is mentioned. Well, fans, time is precious in radio. We'll have to get used to being edited to accommodate all those cheesy commercials they run on AM radio, but here in Roxie's World, you get to see me uncut!

Here is my e-mail:

Dear Ms. Miller,

First of all, let me express my gratitude to you for publicly naming my blog "Roxie's World" the "Official Dog Blog of The Stephanie Miller Show." Words cannot express how humbled and thrilled I am by the honor of having an official relationship with a nationally syndicated radio program dedicated to saving the world through fart jokes. If I were a California dog, I would come right to your studio to express my gratitude with a full-body terrier lick--from the bottoms of your big feet to the top of your uni-brow. I look forward to assuming my duties alongside the other "official" persons connected to your show: Faye, the official radical militant librarian from Tulsa; Susan, your new official Jew; the long line of your future husbands; and, of course, John Conyers and Barbara Boxer, the patron and matron saints of The Stephanie Miller Show.

Speaking of farts: Like many dogs, I am an accomplished farter. In fact, as I've gotten older, my moms say my farts are as stinky as Karl Rove and Karen Hughes battling to push their way to the front of the buffet line, but I digress.

My first task as official dog blogger to The Stephanie Miller Show will have to be an educational one. Stephanie, when you read from my message the other day, you referred to me several times as a "rat terrier." I know this is hard for you big-dog people to understand, because a Saint Bernard is a Saint Bernard. Terriers, on the other hand, are a large and varied group of dogs. We come in more than two dozen breeds, and each breed has unique qualities and characteristics. I am a wire-haired fox terrier, a breed that has won Best in Show at the famous Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show thirteen times--more than any other breed! The poor "rat terrier," by contrast, has just recently been recognized by the AKC as a registered breed. To class me with them is to misread me as badly as George Bush misreads his speeches or as George Tenent misread the pre-war intelligence on Iraq. Please, Stephie, I am only now recovering from the wounds of your unkind description of terriers as "small" and "high-strung." You and I have come so far in our efforts to end the War on Terriers. We have followed the road map to peace and found that freedom is on the march. Please don't halt our march mid-lockstep. If we are to be partners in peace, you must look in my big brown canine eyes and call me what I am: a wire-haired fox terrier with way too much time on my hands.

Yours in gastro-intestinal distress,
Roxie