Sunday, September 24, 2006

Enough About YOU

My meteoric rise to fame continues, and my hard work as Official Dog Blogger to The Stephanie Miller Show has just begun. Below is the full text of an e-mail I wrote to Steph late last week. It was the very first item featured on Friday's show! The subject line was, "Roxie to Steph: I am NOT a Rat Terrier." She read most of the message, though for some strange reason she left out the fart joke about Karl Rove and Karen Hughes, which Moose and I thought was the funniest line in the whole message. It also would have been an excellent opportunity to use the heavy footsteps sound clip that producer Chris Lavoie uses whenever husky-gal Karen Hughes is mentioned. Well, fans, time is precious in radio. We'll have to get used to being edited to accommodate all those cheesy commercials they run on AM radio, but here in Roxie's World, you get to see me uncut!

Here is my e-mail:

Dear Ms. Miller,

First of all, let me express my gratitude to you for publicly naming my blog "Roxie's World" the "Official Dog Blog of The Stephanie Miller Show." Words cannot express how humbled and thrilled I am by the honor of having an official relationship with a nationally syndicated radio program dedicated to saving the world through fart jokes. If I were a California dog, I would come right to your studio to express my gratitude with a full-body terrier lick--from the bottoms of your big feet to the top of your uni-brow. I look forward to assuming my duties alongside the other "official" persons connected to your show: Faye, the official radical militant librarian from Tulsa; Susan, your new official Jew; the long line of your future husbands; and, of course, John Conyers and Barbara Boxer, the patron and matron saints of The Stephanie Miller Show.

Speaking of farts: Like many dogs, I am an accomplished farter. In fact, as I've gotten older, my moms say my farts are as stinky as Karl Rove and Karen Hughes battling to push their way to the front of the buffet line, but I digress.

My first task as official dog blogger to The Stephanie Miller Show will have to be an educational one. Stephanie, when you read from my message the other day, you referred to me several times as a "rat terrier." I know this is hard for you big-dog people to understand, because a Saint Bernard is a Saint Bernard. Terriers, on the other hand, are a large and varied group of dogs. We come in more than two dozen breeds, and each breed has unique qualities and characteristics. I am a wire-haired fox terrier, a breed that has won Best in Show at the famous Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show thirteen times--more than any other breed! The poor "rat terrier," by contrast, has just recently been recognized by the AKC as a registered breed. To class me with them is to misread me as badly as George Bush misreads his speeches or as George Tenent misread the pre-war intelligence on Iraq. Please, Stephie, I am only now recovering from the wounds of your unkind description of terriers as "small" and "high-strung." You and I have come so far in our efforts to end the War on Terriers. We have followed the road map to peace and found that freedom is on the march. Please don't halt our march mid-lockstep. If we are to be partners in peace, you must look in my big brown canine eyes and call me what I am: a wire-haired fox terrier with way too much time on my hands.

Yours in gastro-intestinal distress,

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