Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Wedding Planners


Bi-coastal battle for same-sex wedding biz heats up as MA legislature repeals 1913 law that had prevented non-resident queers from marrying in MA!

Gov. Deval Patrick has indicated he will sign the repeal and vows to challenge California for the coveted title of Homo Nuptial Capital of the USA! "Hell, yes," Patrick said when asked if he supported the repeal. "We want queers all over these United States to know that Massachusetts realizes gay money is GREEN, and we want those homo dollars to come pouring into our great commonwealth. There is no reason on earth for San Francisco and Napa Valley to suck up all that gay disposable income when we have perfectly elegant B&Bs and progressive churches all over the state -- from the rolling hills of the Connecticut River valley in the west (also known, I am told, as Lesbian Land) to the sandy tip of Cape Cod in the east, where the tea dances never stop. Come one, come all -- Massachusetts is open for the marriage business!"

The Massachusetts Office of Economic Development also announced today that as soon as Gov. Patrick signs the bill, the state will change its motto from the decidedly un-queer, "Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem" (Translation: "By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty") to the much more festive-sounding, "You're here? You're queer? Get MARRIED!"

No word yet on how California plans to respond to this unexpected challenge to its recently staked claim to the national gay marriage biz, but Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was reportedly considering a nuclear attack on the Bay State. "Damn those chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberals," he thundered. "Those pansy dollars are MINE!"

(Story picked up by way of Pam's House Blend, but the full scoop is in Bay Windows.)

Note to Readers: Every word of this story is true, with the possible exception of the quotes attributed to Gov. Deval Patrick and Gov. Arnold Shwarzenegger, and, oh, yeah, the stuff about changing the MA state motto. That bit about California nuking Massachusetts, though? We're standing by that one. If it ain't true yet, it soon will be. Hell hath no fury like an Ah-nold scorned.


  1. Anonymous10:14 AM EDT

    So Roxie, will your moms make you an honest dog and give you a last name if Mass. permits out-of-state same-sex marriages?

  2. That all depends, Historiann, on whether sentimentality and their fondness for Really Great Parties will outweigh their queer/feminazi resistance to marriage. Perhaps if my legions of loyal fans would mount a pro-marriage lobbying campaign -- or just chip in and buy them the toaster oven of their dreams -- they can be persuaded to drop their skepticism and sign themselves up for a state-sanctioned hitching. If they do, they promise to throw a Texas-style bash, complete with rodeo and two-stepping. Y'all will have to come!

  3. Anonymous1:24 PM EDT

    I'll be there, for sure! I feel their queer/feminazi resistance, too, for sure. But, straight people get married all the time mostly because they want to throw a big party and get presents, or because they're 29 and desperate, or because it makes their parents and dogs happy, etc. Why can't gays be just as shallow? I thought selfish consumerism and hollow materialism were our birthrights as U.S. Americans!)

    And then your moms won't have any problems if/when one becomes sick and there are questions about approving medical procedures, etc.

  4. Now, now, I think queers have managed to be profoundly superficial even without the structural opportunities secured through heteropatriarchy. I mean, you know, for every Judith Butler there are probably a million Carson Kressleys. Why, some would say queers inVENTed hollow materialism!

    Thanks for worrying about the moms' sickness and health issues, but they've got those covered. Moose carries a note in her pocket that clearly states Goose should pull the plug if she hasn't eaten or cussed in three days because a life without either of those sublime pleasures ain't worth living. She is convinced this document will hold up in court. Just to be sure, Goose made them draw up wills with medical power-of-attorney provisions a few years back.

  5. Anonymous10:05 PM EDT

    Girl, please: who would you rather have dinner with? JB or Carson? I know the answer I'm supposed to give, but I'd rather have dinner with Carson!

    (JB doesn't have much of a sense of humor, from what I've heard.)


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