Sunday, October 26, 2008

Nerves of Jell-O

Moose's home state of Indiana is about to go Democratic in a presidential election for the first time since 1964, and, still, Dems are as jittery as a chihuahua on crack, worried that the party might succeed yet again in stealing defeat from the jaws of victory.

Prognosticators are falling all over themselves trying to find similes epic enough to predict the scale of what is likely to happen on November 4 -- It'll be a grand slam (for Dems)! It'll be a blood bath (for Repubs)! -- but the party faithful are trembling in the pews, certain that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. The Bradley effect! Nasty Republican voter intimidation schemes! A terrorist attack launched from a remote corner of Alaska! Cindy McCain endorses Obama, unleashing a wave of voter sympathy that will reverse the tide of history!

Oh, for dog's sake, people, will you relax already? Look, if through some combination of tragedy, farce, and evil doing, Barack Obama manages not to be elected president in nine short days, Roxie's World already has a convenient explanation that can save Dems the paroxysms of blame and recrimination that would surely accompany such an astonishing reversal of fortune. Forget the circular firing squads. Forget the effigies of Howard Dean or Nancy Pelosi or David Axelrod or Hillary Clinton. Forget the bitter, drunken, late-night debates about the 50-state strategy, Biden's gaffes, and Palin's demonic, folksy charm. If Obama loses and you need someone to blame, you just watch this video and it will all be perfectly clear.

There now -- Isn't that better? Isn't it comforting to have a scapegoat picked out in advance? Isn't it nice to know that you won't have to waste one precious ounce of brain power trying to figure out what went wrong? If Obama loses, it won't be the fault of voters' racism or the party's abandonment of core constituencies or PUMAs or the inexperience of the nominee. It'll be Goose's fault, and we can all live happily ever after, in whatever country we decide to flee to if John McCain becomes president. So calm down, darlings. We have a scapegoat and a plan. And an average lead of nearly 8 points in national polls with just nine days to go. Al Franken is going to the Senate. Liddy Dole is going into retirement. And the Obama girls will be going to junior high school in Washington, DC. Deep breaths, darlings -- Deep, cleansing breaths, a couple of stiff drinks, and a good, hearty laugh every day between now and November 4, and you will be just fine. We promise, and you know that dogs never lie. Peace out.

(H/T to Moose's girlhood pal, Mel, who knows that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.)


  1. I have always enjoyed power, Rox. Thanks for letting people know just how far my influence indeed extends.

    Always your,

  2. (insert Phyllis Diller laugh here)
    That is so funny.

  3. Martha I always knew you could swing an election all by yourself! Glad to have this finally confirmed.

    And just forgetting! Think -- this means every single other person in the country who was eligible to vote did!

    Wasn't there a movie sort of like this? I seem to remember everyone watching his life unfold on their TVs....

    Love, Katie

  4. Are you thinking of The Truman Show? Great flick.

  5. Goddamn you, Martha Smith! You always ruin everything! BOO!

  6. Am I good or what?

  7. Anonymous10:29 PM EDT

    WAY too funny. I just about wet myself.

  8. Be sure to read this article from tody's Post:

    "Washington Post staff writer Shankar Vedantam, who writes the Department of Human Behavior column, will be online Monday, Oct. 27 at 1 p.m. ET to discuss a new technique to boost voter turnout.

    In Monday's column he writes that researchers found that if they sent people mailers telling them whether they voted in the last election and which of their neighbors did and did not vote last time -- and also a promise to do the same thing after the current election, turnout soared."


  9. Whoops -- this is the article itself:

    Your Neighbors Could Find Out, So You'd Better Vote

    By Shankar Vedantam
    Monday, October 27, 2008; A06

    Recollect and paste this:

  10. Anonymous1:56 PM EDT

    So if McCain wins this election, can we all form an angry mob and come over to Martha's house with pitchforks and torches? Because that sounds like fun. Plus a lot of good exercise.

  11. YES. If McCain "wins," you can all come over to my house with pitchforks and torches and I will serve you a gourmet meal, complete with bread and wine. And my partner will make you laugh the whole damned time. We'll laugh (since we always remember the importance of having fun), and then we'll start our seminar: "What Does 'Winning' in US Elections Mean?"

    Let's see. . .we've had two presidential elections in which the "winning vote" was more than debatable, and then in this primary season the Democratic Party joined the Republican Party and said, "We don't care if 500,000 more voters cast their lot with one candidate, the other REALLY WON (you've got to count the delegates, not the votes)." Why did the Dems not stick with the "principle" they invoked to enfranchise Florida in 2000 in order to disenfranchise Florida & Michigan in the first place? Beats me. That stand would have been far more respectable than what they did, which amounts to, "OK, HRC won the popular vote. We don't like that. So we are going to invoke RULES officiously and you are going to like it. . .or at least accept it." Had they stuck with their "principles," I would respect them. . .but this? This is at best laughable and, if Nov 4 produces any weird "what counts and what doesn't" voter franchisement, the Dems have ceded all credible objections. One-person-one-vote, the principle on which they used to stand? The Dems primary process said resoundingly, on May 31, "*that* don't mean shit. You've got to follow THE RULES, man."

    May Nov. 4 produce a result in which that disregard for the will of the majority will NOT matter. Any ambiguity? The Dems have absolutely no ground to stand on, and the Repubs know that. . . .


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