Palintology (Encore)

(Photo Credit: J. Scott Applewhite/A.P. Images, via Vanity Fair)

Lucky for you, citizens of Roxie’s World, that the madcap moose huntress of Wasilla decided to announce her resignation as governor of Alaska on the eve of the 4th of July. Sarah Palin’s stunning move derailed my typist’s plans for a moody holiday post on the overvaluation of independence in American culture. It would have been full of Deep Thoughts and poignant personal revelations, probably illustrated by copies of family photos she downloaded during her recent visit to her home state of Indiana. Screw that, she thought when she woke up this morning with visions of the long forgotten Sarah dancing once again in her brain. “Goose,” she declared, “you make the potato salad. Roxie and I need to update the Palineologisms, maybe bang out a fresh Palin-ode or two to mark the occasion.” “Aye, aye,” Goose dutifully replied. She makes the finest potato salad in all the land, and she far prefers funny posts to moody ones, so she was more than happy to oblige. Moose grabbed a cup of coffee and the laptop.

“PALINOSTOMY!” she shouted moments later. (Okay, technically, it was a couple of hours, but doesn’t that sound better?)

Palinostomy

Noun (pl. –mies)
Elective surgery performed to remove a minor irritant on the bowel of the body politic. Generally performed to assure future viability of the organ, though risks of unforeseen complications are high. Patients may require extended period of recovery and rehabilitation.

Origin early 21st century: from failed governor of an obscure American state + Greek stoma ‘mouth.’

Palin-ode III: Dead Fish (for Palinodes I and II, go here)

The quitter’s way would be to stay
And do the job you gave me
But I’ve no wish to swim with dead fish
Perhaps Fox News will save me

Palin-ode IV: Efficiencies

My work is done and there’s no fun
In being just a lame duck
I’m so darn good it’s time to go
So long, voters – Good luck!

Want to make sure you’re locked and loaded for a fiery 4th of July debate on the soon to be ex-governor of Alaska? Here’s your ammo, kids. Click, aim, fire!

• Huff Po has the video and transcript of Palin’s stupefyingly disingenuous resignation speech, which includes the lines about dead fish and “the quitter’s way” that inspired Palin-ode III.

• Vanity Fair has Todd Purdum’s lengthy dish on Palin that some speculate may have fueled her decision to leave office, perhaps because all that trashing by unnamed McCain staffers and Republican insiders made her realize she had no future with the party.

• Runner’s World has an equally long piece on Palin’s strong commitment to sweating as a way to maintain sanity. It’s worth noting that the governor refused to talk to Vanity Fair but seems to have had plenty of time for the jock journalists of RW.

Hope your holiday is swell, patriots. It’s a beautiful day here in Roxie’s World, and we plan to spend it reflecting on the virtues of (in)dependence – by which we mean savoring all that connects us to one another and to you, our legions of loved ones and loyal fans. This day always makes us think of the great democratic bard of New Jersey, Mr. Bruce Springsteen, so we’ll let him sing us out, with a vision of the boardwalk and fireworks and the carnival life we never really left. Take it away, Boss.