Valentine Kitsch-O-Rama

A friend (and loyal reader) works in a flower shop. She came to dinner last night bearing a lovely flower arrangement -- her second of the week, actually (yes, we do inspire unexpected displays of excessive devotion, and we love them) -- but she also brought with her a little story from the flower shop that reminded us of why we are cynical about Valentine's Day. She reported that men occasionally come into the shop during the VD rush and place two separate orders. They pay for one with a credit card and pay for the other with cash. The cash orders, our observant friend is certain, are for their mistresses. She also notes that the cash orders are usually about half the cost of the wife's order. Yep, that's why we're cynical about Valentine's Day: Big, dumb, money-driven spectacle of manufactured emotion aimed at deflecting attention from the steaming load of lies that is heteropatriarchy. Wanna show the missus something a little closer to the truth, buddy? Forget the flowers. Take her to see Revolutionary Road for Valentine's Day.

Oops. Did we neglect to tell you that we love you? We do, you know, but not because of some fake holiday cooked up by the sentimentality industry. We love you, because . . . because . . . because . . . you're here.

Oh, and if you're home cruising the internets on a rare Saturday night VD, then you are likely in need of some reading material to go along with that stiff drink you're nursing. Am I right? Here you go, my lonely beloveds:

• Our flower shop pal has a special Valentine's Day challenge for the straight but not narrow among you (and that's all the straight kids in this queer pack, of course). She asks a simple question: Would you not get married until [she] can get married? Think about it.
• Meanwhile, over in France, where people are ever so much more sensible, straight couples are flocking to a civil union system that was set up chiefly as a way to extend legal and financial protections to same-sex couples without going through the whole marriage fainting fit. Heterosexual couples now comprise 92% of those entering into Civil Solidarity Pacts (PACS, en francais). Like I said, the French are sensible. They let their dogs hang out in restaurants, for heaven's sake!
• Don't click on this story if you'll get depressed reading about the place of kissing in evolutionary psychology and cultural history. And for dog's sake don't click on the accompanying photo gallery that has images of fish kissing and horses kissing as well as famous lip locks of Ellen and Portia, Britney and Madonna, Al and Tipper, Barack and Michelle. We don't want to depress you, but the kissing story is actually kind of interesting.

My typist has to go now, because the moms are going to celebrate Valentine's Day by eating leftovers and re-watching last week's stupendous episode of Big Love before this week's stupendous episode airs tomorrow night. (Yes, after 25 years, they get to bypass the compulsory romantic dinner and do what they really want to do on Valentine's Day.) We will leave you with this heart-warming video of the greatest love song ever written by the most dynamic duo in the history of American popular music. This one goes out to everyone who had a radio in 1973, but it's especially for my brother, the Official Prep School Teacher of Roxie's World, who's got the biggest heart on earth and the worst musical taste of anyone we know, except for Moose, of course.

Sing it with us, kids, and know that your love puts us at the top of the world, always: