Cover Your Ears

(Photo Credit: New York Post)

Top Ten Signs That It’s Time to Step Away From the Computer, Get Out of the House, and Go Roll in a Nice Pile of Warm Scat in the Ridiculously Large Back Yard:

1. Obama supporters are boycotting Saturday Night Live for its alleged pro-Clinton bias and for the casting of (white) Fred Armisen in the role of Fauxbama for election skits. (Okay, kids, it’s back to reading Proust at 11:35 on Saturday night for you. Knock yourselves out!)

2. Clinton supporters are striking (=refusing to post on) Daily Kos for constant trashing on the site of Senator Clinton and of anyone who dares to write in her behalf. (We admire your principled stand, and if you post somewhere other than Kos, maybe we’ll read you. We have to confess we’ve never been able to endure the look and feel of that place, even without the rampant Hillary-hatred.) (Via Tom Watson.)

3. Obama supporters on Daily Kos are boycotting the strike diaries and trashing the diarists for misusing the word "strike" and not having the guts to endure the vicious assaults on Senator Clinton and the distortions of her record. (That’s it, children. Everybody get in a circle. Closer, little bit closer. Very good. Now, pick up your weapons. Excellent, children. Now, ready, aim, fire at a fellow/sister progressive!)

4. Men and women all over the country are eyeing each other quizzically as they try to determine a) whether the husband has been spending the kids’ college money on high-priced escort services and b) whether the wife has any clue that the husband has been spending the kids’ college money on high-priced escort services. (Wow, do you know how loud Grape Nuts sound when people are carefully crunching them while trying not to ask those kinds of questions at the breakfast table?)

5. People with college degrees are spending precious time writing columns on whether or not the wife of a high-ranking government official or religious leader caught with his pants down is obligated to stand beside him for the public rituals of acknowledgment, apology, and resignation. (This one is a no-brainer, people. Some traditions are sacred, and the tradition of the wronged and humiliated spouse standing beside the guilty partner during his moment of public exposure is definitely one of them. We’re not giving it up until we’ve had a few opportunities to see a man in the role of wronged spouse and a soon-to-be resigning woman trying to explain all those large cash transactions.)

6. Men with college degrees are spending precious time writing puff pieces claiming that men really do see hotels as palaces of porn and prostitution, whereas women see them as places to kick off their heels and get a good night’s sleep. (Question: Is it “sexism” if men make crude generalizations about men that are really insulting, or is it just stupid?)

7. It’s getting to the point where opening one’s mouth to utter a word for, against, or in remote proximity of either Clinton or Obama pretty much guarantees that one will get ridden out of town on a rail. Ex-president? Bye-bye. (Really. Have you seen Bill lately? We’re ready to send out an APB.) Former vice-presidential candidate? So long. Old black minister with a few axes to grind about this country’s sordid racial history? Hasta la vista. By November, the entire nation will have been ridden out of town on a rail, so we’d better hope this whole vote-by-mail thing takes hold by then.

8. Jodie Foster is on the cover of this week’s Parade magazine with the most frightening hair-do we’ve ever seen on a lesbian. (“Eek!” Goose exclaimed when she saw the photo. “Did she have to go Donna Reed on us?”) Foster is also making a half-hearted attempt to re-close the (closet) door she seemed to have opened in December when she publicly acknowledged long-time (presumed) partner and co-parent to her two children, Cydney Bernard. (The middle name of both of Foster’s sons is Bernard.) Foster goes back to being coy with Parade, insisting on a strict separation of professional and personal life and answering a question about her romantic involvements by saying, “Oh, my life is basically from the head up. I’m definitely not proud of that. I’m very analytical.” (For Roxie’s World’s previous reflections on Foster’s in/out status, go here and here.) Foster does have some nice comments on the importance of connection, though.

9. Florida? Michigan? Michigan? Florida? Helllloooooooo? Anybody figure that out yet, or shall we just wait til Denver and settle the nomination battle with a coin toss? We’re too sick of this one to even put in a link.

10. The Non-Lady Terps extended their ignominious record of finding ways to lose games after building up substantial leads in the first half. They lost in the first round of the ACC tournament to Boston College on Thursday, thus guaranteeing that they will not be invited to the NCAA tournament. On the other hand: the Evil Empire of Duke was upset by Clemson in the ACC semifinal today, thus assuring that the moms won’t have to sit through a Duke-Carolina final tomorrow. Sweet!

Life is sweet, children, and the fierce urgency of spring is upon us. Stop with the pointing and clicking already. Close the computer. Open the windows and, as the Boss so eloquently put it, let the wind blow back your hair. Take a deep breath and a long look at the purple crocuses in your yard. They are as real as the issues and challenges that absorb so much of your attention, but they are fleeting. Go see those delicate harbingers of spring before it’s too late. We’ll be here when you get back. Promise.