Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Falling Slowly

(Image Credit: Random search of internets on "quiz")

Quiz time, kids, but don’t worry – It’s multiple choice!

1. We called this post “Falling Slowly” because we wanted

a) to honor Moose’s skills in prognostication – She predicted the sweet song from Once would win the Oscar for Best Original Song, and it did! Score one for the Crystal Ball Division of Roxie’s World.

b) to acknowledge the declining state of Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers. Goose does not want us to do this, but we reminded her that we promised readers we wouldn’t sugar-coat or happy-talk the state of the Democratic primary race. New polls out today show Obama opening up a significant lead nationally and a smaller lead in Texas. If things don’t change, the race may well be over soon.

c) to set up a really funny story about what happened to Moose Monday night at the end of a Clinton campaign appearance she and Goose attended at George Washington University.

d) all of the above.

The correct answer is d, all of the above.

2. The really funny story: Moose managed to make her way to the front of the auditorium on Monday evening after Senator Clinton’s thrilling speech. She unexpectedly got the senator’s autograph and caught her attention long enough to thank her for all she’d done and to say that middle-aged women were with her. (That was for all y’all in the large, cranky caucus of Perimenopausal Bitches For Hillary. We know you’re out there, and we love every hormonally unbalanced one of you.) She then turned to try to move away from the stage so some other happy Clintonista could get close to the candidate but found herself crushed in a sea of humanity. Eventually, feeling a little panicky, she decided the best way to get out was to start climbing over seats, despite the fact that she was wearing clogs, which are not, technically speaking, approved for that particular use. She made it over one row of seats just fine, but as she attempted the second, her right foot slipped, the seat flipped up, and her leg got wedged down in between the two parts of the seat. This, as you might imagine, hurt. A lot.

The question about the really funny story: In this moment of excruciating pain and public exposure, Moose’s first thought was:

a) I need Hillarycare and I need it now!

b) Holy crap, it’s going to be embarrassing if they have to bring the Jaws of Life in here to extricate me from this situation.

c) If I lose my leg and she loses the nomination, will I be bitter?

d) all of the above.

The correct answer again is d, all of the above, and don’t worry about Moose’s leg. You know she sometimes exaggerates things for comic effect. She relied on the kindness of a couple of Democratic strangers to help her get her foot out, and her leg, though numb and puffy, is doing fine. The wounds to her narcissism? Uh, we’ll have to get back to you on that.

3. Based on their experience last night, the moms do hereby declare that, live and in person, Hillary Clinton is

a) brilliant.

b) funny.

c) blessed with the most radiant skin we have ever seen. If this whole president thing doesn’t work out, we think she has a future hawking whatever skin-care product it is she uses. All the bitches in our house would buy it.

d) all of the above.

Incredibly, the answer again is d, all of the above!

4. Watching the Democratic debate tonight on MSNBC, Roxie’s World’s crack team of pundits came to the conclusion that Hillary Clinton is

a) brilliant.

b) funny.

c) able to talk circles around Barack Obama, who still sounds to us like a student giving an oral report that he cut and pasted off Wikipedia five minutes before class.

d) all of the above.

If you answered d, all of the above, you are right again!

5. Nonetheless, we know we will wake up tomorrow morning and read headlines declaring that the debate

a) was a loss for Clinton because the media have declared her a loser and that’s what losers do.

b) was a win for Obama because every move he makes and every breath he takes is a win for Obama.

c) was a win for Tina Fey, whose pro-Hillary episode of Saturday Night Live is giving Clinton some of the best lines she’s had to use in the campaign. Early in the debate, Clinton referred to the episode and asked Senator Obama if he needed a pillow or anything to make him more comfortable. (Clinton made the reference after pointing out a pattern in the debates of throwing questions to her first, which of course gives Senator “What She Said” Obama an opportunity to plan and borrow his answer.)

d) all of the above.

Shockingly, the answer, yet again, is d, all of the above.

How did you do? I promise before we do our next quiz we’ll consult more carefully with the Division on Learning Outcomes Assessment to devise a more varied and rigorous instrument for measuring the knowledge of our smarty-pants fans. This might have been just a little too easy for the brainiacs of Roxie's World. Peace out, kids. Tomorrow's a school day!

Update: You must, immediately, go read Sean Wilentz's scrupulous dissection of how effectively Obama has played the "race-baiting card" in the campaign and how compliant the press has been in the playing. It covers everything from the cynical outrage manufactured over references to Obama's youthful drug use to the photos of the candidate in Somali garb that popped up on The Drudge Report this week. Yes, Wilentz is a Clinton supporter, but he's also pretty fricking smart on the subject of American politics, so get on over to The New Republic and read his essay. There will be a quiz.

Clarification:
Tina Fey did not actually write the debate skit referred to in question 5, answer C. It was penned by SNL writer James Downey. And yet, we would argue, Fey's comic genius and pro-bitch attitude were felt throughout the episode.

6 comments:

  1. Dear Rox,

    Loved to wake up and laugh to this post this morning. THANK YOU! I just want to say that I don't know anyone who can watch them debate and then vote for Obama. It's true that they call on her first and then he borrows from her answers to describe "his" programs. And he definitely doesn't have a grasp on the economic issues and doesn't seem to remember having voted for funding the war over and over and over again. (I really like your description of him as a student giving a report from answers clipped from Wikipedia. Would that the world is so simple as you suggest, Barack.) Senator Clinton's pretty damned nice to him. Senator McCain would snack on him and move on. Oh voters of Texas and Ohio, save us from President McCain!

    --Goose

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  2. RutgersAlumna9:24 AM EST

    Roxie,

    Will all due respect, I resent being called "hormonally unbalanced!" When I was 13, I fell into a temporary metamorphosis — acne, weight gain, constant sinus infections, PMS, and a week of misery once a month. THAT was hormonally UNBALANCED! Thankfully nature took pity and awarded a nicely-prompt menopause, so that I have more time to enjoy this healthy, happy, enlightened, delightfully gender-neutral buddha-body once more. Menopausal years total 35. If by grace I should live to be 95, that would mean 60 of perfect equilibrium. Yes!

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  3. RutgersAlumna9:34 AM EST

    Roxie, when I get angry I lose my ability to type, It should say menstrual years total 35, but you get my point. ((-:

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  4. Then you are in a different caucus, RA -- not the hormonally unbalanced Perimenopausal Bitches for Hillary but the lucky yet still cranky POSTmenopausal Bitches for Hillary. Totally different group, though the two occasionally hold joint meetings in Roxie's World. The posts get mad at the peris sometimes because they eat all the snacks and go off on the occasional crying jag, but they generally get along. Just don't make any jokes about weight gain around the peris. They are REALLY sensitive about that.

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  5. RutgersAlumna2:48 PM EST

    Roxie, You've got me on my being cranky in this post! I'm sorry.

    The hot flashes were something to celebrate, some kind of a catharsis I thought, or sacred rite of purification. But there's an easy, inner clarity that evolves out of that, a delicious, new state of being, like you haven't known since you were 10.

    Hugs, RA.

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  6. Oh, you don't have to apologize for being cranky in Roxie's World. That's another one of those words and emotions that we are determined to re-claim. "Cranky" can be a way of saying no to injustice or of asserting a conviction at odds with the prevailing view. We're big on that kind of thing around here, so crank away, RA. We know you love us. :)

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