(With apologies to Allison Bechdel for the borrowed title. Image Credit: Southern Poverty Law Center)
Listen up, kids. I don't want you to get all excited by the fact that your favorite dog blog has brand new content two days in a row. You know that isn't the usual pattern here in Roxie's World, and you know that old dogs don't like to learn new tricks. It's just that it's summertime, which means Moose has more time than usual to type while she's ignoring the long list of Things She Was Supposed to Get Done While She Wasn't Teaching. Also, however, a story of mind-boggling significance has been brought to our attention (thanks to a new reader whom I hereby anoint the Official Baby Butch of Roxie's World in the hope she'll accept that title as the high compliment it is intended to be). Since the story isn't getting any younger and is likely to be of interest to some of our most well-armed readers, we figured we better go ahead and toss it up here.
Word on the street is that there is a "national underground network" of mostly lesbian but also some gay male gangs terrorizing America. Yes, fellow citizens, it's TRUE! I mean, it has to be, because it was on The O'Reilly Factor, and you know what a bastion of truth that is. In a segment that aired on June 21, a baffled Bill O'Reilly interviews former DC cop (and paid Fox News consultant) Rod Wheeler about reports of roving bands of armed lesbians terrorizing America, "raping young girls, attacking heterosexual males at random, and forcibly indoctrinating children as young as 10 into the homosexual lifestyle," as a summary of the segment by the Southern Poverty Law Center puts it. Wheeler asserts that these activities are taking place "all across the country," but his focus is on the Washington, DC area, where, he claims, there are "well over 150 crews or gangs or networks or houses, whatever you want to call them" recruiting kids into the gangs and getting them to commit crimes and, of course, forcing them to "perform sex acts with some of these people." Wheeler saves the most tantalizing aspect of the story for last, though, as he reveals in the last few seconds of the piece that some of "these groups" (and "these are lesbians") carry pink pistols -- 9-millimeter Glocks! -- and "call themselves the pink-pistol-packing group!"
Roxie's World insists that you watch the video before you read one more word of this post. You'll enjoy watching Bill feigning shock at the idea that homosexuality might be associated with "a criminal movement" rather than "a social movement," but you just know the old loofah lover is salivating at the idea of finding himself surrounded by a sweaty gang of pink pistol packers. Here you go:
Question One: Do you think a group clever and resourceful enough to arm themselves with 9-millimeter pink pistols would be so lacking in style or imagination that they would refer to themselves merely as "the pink-pistol-packing group?" I mean, please, that's BORING even by lesbo standards!
SPLC does a great job of truth-squadding this "report," particularly Wheeler's claims that there are more than 150 such groups in the DC area alone. If you'd like a serious analysis of the story, by all means please go there. Here's the link again. If, on the other hand, you're in the mood for more knee-slapping sophomoric humor, don't touch that mouse.
Questions Two through Four: Why didn't my moms get the Pink Pistol Memo? What's going on over there at Lesbo Communications Central? C'mon, grrls. We get the Title 9 catalogs! Don't you use the same mailing list when you're recruiting for the gangs?
Question Five: And speaking of recruiting, raping young girls??? Perhaps times have changed, but the moms insist that when they were coming up and out, all recruiting was done through softball teams, women's studies courses, and Take Back the Night marches, where, as you might imagine, not a whole lot of raping went on. Hell, Moose says, I got reprimanded back in those days for using sarcasm, because it was supposedly proof of my male identification and internalized phallogocentrism. (Huh, I said?) And don't get me started on the lesbian sex wars -- all that prescriptivism, all the judgment about penetra- (No, really, Mom, let's not get started on that subject.) I just can't imagine rape is the preferred way to get dates in the lesbian community nowadays. (Uh-oh. Moose is starting to sound old and crotchety, isn't she?)
Question Six: What do you say if you are not Bill O'Reilly and you find yourself surrounded by a burly gang of pink pistol packers? Hm-m-m-m, let's see. . . .
- Chill, ladies -- I've got Mystics tickets!
- Pardon me, do you know where I could purchase a menstrual sponge around here?
- Look, over there -- It's Bill O'Reilly!
- Your guns are really cute with your shoes. "A" for accessorizing!
- Plenty of tofu, grrls -- Let's go back to my place for dinner and consciousness-raising!